two weeks already

Still watching that clock, the calendar. 11pm tonight will be two weeks ago.

In a flurry of organization, dismantling, signatures, returns to the funeral home, ordering the headstone, closing of accounts, so many documents and in the midst of returning to active work 2 days after my dad’s funeral – busy followed by exhaustion is my newest normal.

I believe I am starting to feel a more complete or delayed sadness, of the loss of both parents – not nearly as close as so many others predicted. I hated hearing ‘when one goes, the other will soon after’ as if it wasn’t something we feared on our own, with ever having to utter those words.

It’s an odd experience, to look at things we were still trying to organize such as clothes, paperwork, etc. and now trying to figure out how to close it all out. Time consuming, draining, and eye-opening.

I am feeling the absence – of phone calls, multiple phone calls and voice mail messages; some very clear and concise yet others of confusion or delusion. I am expecting to schedule my visits to Manteno, with no less than 2 days off in between. This past weekend came and went, and both Joe and I were thinking the same thing – that which one of us were going to visit on either Saturday or Sunday. We tried to assure that he never had a weekend day without at least one of us there. And some days, 2-3 might be there at the same time and I know, my dad was the happiest. Feeling a bit of regret as my dad did say to me on the Saturday before he passed, before he so quickly declined – that he wanted visitors. ‘Bring them on’ was his tone.

Cards of condolence are still coming in. Friends from far away or others just learning about our loss. Still, so many people to reconnect with, to let them know – how they impacted my dad’s life in a good way. How much we appreciated how they saved my dad’s life, helped to rehabilitate him just enough, how they counseled him, and us – and so many others that came into my dad’s life (and ours) to make a difference where they could.

Flowers are starting to dry or die. But they’ve continued to warm our home and spirit and my dad would have loved them all. The beautiful plants as well, that will live on and we can share with each other. The beautiful cards, gifts, donations on my dad’s behalf – so very much appreciated.

Thank you for being there for us, for him… in whatever way you might have been.